


Hymn for the Missing

by No_Mans_Land



Category: Original Work, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff, I was caught up in my feelings when I wrote this, Minor Spoilers, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan References, Songfic, Why Did I Write This?, short and semi sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 06:24:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12835173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_Mans_Land/pseuds/No_Mans_Land
Summary: Short story based on Attack on Titan Universe. Inspired by "Hymn for the Missing" by Red.





	Hymn for the Missing

**Author's Note:**

> This is a quick warning because I absolutely HATE spoilers: If you haven't seen season 2 of AoT or if you have no idea what I'm referencing to when I say "You goddamn traitors," please don't read this. It's only mentioned at the end of this story, but like I said, I hate spoilers with a passion. Feedback and criticism is appreciated. Enjoy!

It will be awhile.

I try not to focus on the burning feeling in the pit of my stomach, but rather on the gentleness of the breeze, the lightness of the sun’s warmth, the protective shade of the trees. But it's too quiet.Everything feels too still. I’ve never found comfort in stillness. I almost laugh at the irony of it; he was never the jittery type. He always had this air of calmness, control. At times, I thought he was lifeless with the way he always stayed so still. Those moments when he would lay against the root of a tree, the only movement around him coming from the wind brushing the dark curtain of hair away from his face. His pale complexion did nothing to disprove my theory that he was a ghost. I remember how scared I was when he turned his head in my direction, his eyes holding me in place. 

**Where are you now? Are you lost?**

I didn't mean to stare at him, but I didn’t want to look away; his eyes were so blue. I was waiting for him to glare at me, to snarl at me and tell me to ‘fuck off’, to simply get up and walk away; after all, we didn’t live around the most friendly people. Staring at someone wasn’t something that was taken lightly and usually ended in a fight. But for a moment, we didn't do anything but stare at each other from different sides of the meadow. His lips slowly slid into a smirk, and without breaking eye contact, he patted a spot of grass beside him beneath the tree, waving me over to him with his other hand. That was how we started.

**Will I find you again?**

It had been a few weeks, but I was still apprehensive about him. All of our conversations...our exchanges, they happened in quick bursts. That was how our relationship started: he would give me a small piece of himself, just enough to earn my trust, to earn another honest answer; I would eagerly give him whole parts of myself without any reservations, hoping that I wouldn’t lose whatever we were starting. 

“You know that learning French isn’t a requirement, right? You don’t have to carry out a conversation in order to kill a Titan.”  
“Yeah, I know that.”  


“Then why is your nose always buried in a textbook when you’re not training?” He asks this without a hint of judgement.  


“Even if we are not going to have much time to talk to the people there, I still want to know how to communicate with some of the civilians. It's just something I find to be necessary.” He stares at me with a look of anticipation that I’ve come to find familiar and welcoming.  


“Tu est la fille plus belle et étrange que j’ai jamais rencontré,” he said. My eyes widen in shock, my lips spreading into a smile.  


“No fucking way,” I shriek, eyes widening in surprise. He chuckles and gives me that grin again, making my stomach twist into a familiar knot. I direct my eyes to the grass at our feet, afraid that he will be able to read my expression.  


Another exchange. 

I look him in the eyes again, trying to calm my nerves. We’ve been coming back to this same tree for weeks now, just talking about ourselves: what we want, who we are, where we come from, and who we want to be. It's a reprieve. It’s an escape from the dangers beyond the Walls, an escape from the anger and sadness of the people within the walls, and for me, a way to avoid all the disquieting thoughts.  
“You have to teach me.” It's not a demand, but I know he’ll do it.  


He smirks at me. “Of course I will.”

**Are you alone? Are you afraid?**

_‘Is the Commander trying to get us killed?’_  
_‘The bastard should be executed, or at the very least, kicked out.’_  
_‘Shut up unless you want him to kick the shit out of you next!’_  
_‘Fucking monster.’_  
I quickly walk out of the training grounds and head to chapel. I’m not a religious person, and I had no intention of praying, but it seemed like the best place to be right now. It's an odd building to have placed alongside an area where people pummel each other to the dirt, but my God am I glad it’s here. I step quickly and lightly through the empty building, making my way up the stairs to the opening in the bell tower, away from the fearful whispers of my comrades. As I reach the top, I smell the rain flitting through the opening of the tower. I pull myself onto the edge of the window, sitting with my legs dangling over the edge. God, the air felt good. I close my eyes against the darkness of the sky, taking in the smell of rainwater.  
_‘He’s an animal.’_  
I think back back to the training session we had earlier this afternoon. I remember all the screaming and the shouts coming from my left, the way his fists kept pounding that kid into the dirt even after he was down, broken and bruised and bleeding, how he didn't flinch or hesitate for a moment when he snapped his sparring partner’s bone so badly it jutted out from his skin…  


You can never really hear him when he moves. I’ve learned from experience how to feel when he’s around. I open my eyes just as he reaches the final steps, carrying the chilling air that accompanies his presence, his head hung low. We don’t say anything at first as I keep my eyes glued to the ground below, watching the cadets scurry from the onslaught of rain. 

_____ _

He breaks first.

“Go ahead. Say it.”

I stay silent a moment longer as I felt the telltale lump in my throat, the only warning I ever receive before I cry. I will away the tears in the corner of my eyes, taking in a quick breath before swinging my legs around to face him. There’s a puddle forming around his feet, rain dripping down from his harness, his jacket, the strands of his hair.  

“Do you know what everyone said about you when you first got here? What they still say about you?”

His eyes betray nothing. There’s no denial, no remorse, no guilt whatsoever. “Just go ahead and ask.”

I feel my fingers curl around the edge of sill, my grip tightening on the stone surface. I’m not sad anymore. Now I’m just mad and hurt. And I have no idea why.

“The buildings were intact; I saw Hange’s report. There weren’t any bite marks on the bodies, they were just---they were just ‘severely mutilated’ and ‘beaten beyond recognition.’  Titans don’t do that.” I’m shouting at him now, the heavy pounding of the rain is just background noise compared to how loud I’m yelling. My voice sounds strange, reverberating against the stone walls of the tower as he just stands there, utterly silent.

“DID YOU DO IT?” My voice comes out strained, tears falling freely down my face. “I--I know they were selfish and cruel sometimes, but it was still your village, your family. Did you--did you really slaughter all of them?”  


Silence.  


“Why are you asking me this now?" I’ve been here for three months now. You said it yourself, everyone’s been wary of me since I first came here. So why ask now?” He maintained the same calm and even tone he’s had since day one, completely and utterly composed. I wasn’t so self centered to believe that his entire demeanor would change just because I was crying, but I expected...something. Anything other than the damn-near emotionless look he always wore so well. I took in a shaky breath, brushing the tears away from my face before answering him.

“Because I’m terrified. We have an expedition weeks from now, Titans are taking everything we have one by one, and we’ve got a kid who can actually turn _into_ one of them, and I’m alone and scared. You’re the only person I actually trust in this fucked up world we live in, the only one I’d die for without even thinking about it. And it hurts--it physically hurts when you’re not around or when you don’t tell me what’s wrong and just brush it off by saying ‘I’m just thinking.’ I can tell the difference between when you’re actually thinking about something and when you’re worrying---”

There was practically no time between the moment he moved from his spot in the middle of the room to when his lips pressed firmly against mine. I felt his hand gently cupping the back of my head, his fingers in my hair, his other hand gripping my waist. The response was immediate; I felt my entire body shudder, my heart skipping a beat. The front of my shirt became soaked as he pressed my body closer to his, but I couldn’t care less. Any and all of my worries were lost as I reached up and grabbed his hair, bringing him as close to me as I possibly could. This felt different-- he felt different when he was under my fingertips, his skin against mine. I felt like nothing in the world could hurt me as long as I was his.

I didn’t notice that he hadn’t answered my question.

**Are you searching for me?**

“The flu.”  


“No.”  


“How about measles? People still get the measles, right?”  


“It’s still a no.”  


“Okay, how about ‘Hange’s latest experiment induced vomiting and nausea?’”  


Despite my best efforts to give him a serious look, I couldn’t help but laugh. “And how exactly do I explain why I would ever eat or drink any chemical Hange would give me?”  


“Hey, I don’t know what goes on that lab.” Now it was his turn to smile. “Come on, just give them some sort of excuse. Stay a little bit longer.” I propped myself up on one elbow and looked out of the window. The sun was just peaking over the horizon, casting a light glow against the early morning sky.I should already be dressed and out the door, on my way to meet up with my squad leader by six. I cocked my head down at him as he waited expectantly, his dark blues eyes holding me in place. I don’t think the phrase ‘bed-head’ was made for him. Even with his stark black hair splayed across the pillow, he was perfect. His hand that rested on my hip slowly slipped around me, pulling me up to straddle him. 

I gently ran my hands up his bare chest, cupping his face in my hands. “As tempting as that sounds, I really have to get to work. And I’m pretty sure you have drills in an hour.”  
“To hell with it,” he said, his hands still gripping my hips, his thumbs rubbing circles against my skin. “We can afford to skip a day.”

I felt a tugging at the pit of my stomach at his words, my mood dropping to the floor. “Honestly, I don’t think we can anymore. There’s just too much. They’re getting closer and closer every time.They’re literally inside of the walls...and now Hange says that it looks like there are more Titans in the Survey Corps. We can’t just not do anything anymore.” He was looking back at me with the same sympathy in his eyes. Before, it was like he couldn’t even express any emotion besides calm or angry. Hell, even during the panic with the Female Titan, he never once seemed scared or flustered. Since we’ve started--dating? Seeing each other?--He’s been better, for lack of a better word. But lately, I’ve caught glimpses of it. Moments where he looks looks hurt, almost regretful.  


What pains me even more is that he only looks that way around me.  


I’m just about to ask him to spill it when he interrupts with the most unexpected thing. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He’s so quiet I almost don’t catch it, but I feel it. I literally feel his heart stutter in his chest. And it’s the most reassuring thing in the world to me. “You’re so kind and intelligent and utterly good that I don’t know how to explain it.” He shifts himself so he’s sitting up, still holding my hips in place. I lace my arms around his shoulders, resting my forehead against his. “Everything is getting so much harder now. We all need to look out for each other, now more than ever. But listen to me,” I turned my eyes up to meet his. The somber look he’s had in his eyes for the past few weeks was gone, replaced by something else I couldn’t place and didn’t like. “You can’t save everyone. I know you want to, and I know you’re going to want to try, but you can’t.No matter what, your life comes first. For both you and me.”  
I felt the lump in my throat as my chest tightened. Something in the pit of my stomach was gnawing at me. I don’t like this.  


“You won’t always be there to protect me, you know,” I whisper. “Isn’t that what you told me a couple days ago?”  


”Yeah, I know. But after watching you kick Eren’s ass during training yesterday, I can say that I’m confident in your ability to protect yourself.”  
I felt myself giggling before I even knew it, all the tension leaving my body in an instant. I leaned in and planted a quick kiss on his lips. He tilted my chin back up, stealing another kiss before I rolled out of bed.  


I sauntered over to the pile of clothes forgotten on the floor, quickly sorting out our uniforms. I pinched the sleeves of his white shirt, noting the various tears and loose threads. I turned around and held the garment up, my eyebrow raised in a silent question.  
“Damn, what the hell happened yesterday?”  


“I was trying to get some extra sparring in with others from our regime.”  


I threw the shirt onto a nearby chair, shuffling through the dresser to find him a new shirt. At least he’s getting along with other people here.  


“So, who’s the guy throwing you around like a rag doll?”  


I heard the bedsprings groan as he hopped out of bed laughing. “I’ll have you know that they didn’t actually throw me around. We’re on pretty even grounds. Do you know Reiner?”  


God, if only I’d known then.

**Why did you go? I had to stay.**

I slowly lift my head up and peel my eyes open, shifting myself back into a sitting position. I lean back against the tree, my head lolling back against the trunk with a dull thud. The sun was still high above, the wind gently blowing. I couldn’t have been here for more than an hour.  
There. I had finally gotten some sleep.  
The moment after I heard the news, I already knew he’d be gone. The second we saw what Reiner and Bertholdt were, I ran back to him, hoping for some sort of explanation, a reason, even an excuse. But he was already gone. Everyone has been so busy with them that there really hasn’t been time for anything else. It won’t take long though. Once they realize that the lone survivor of an entire village has miraculously fled the Survey Corps after the revelation of two Titan shifters, they’ll be looking for him.  
I might as well get a head start.


End file.
